OPINION|
When I reflect on my childhood and youth, many special memories include friends (and neighbors) who enjoyed the experience with me.
Things like riding my bike around town, spending time at the local swimming pool, exploring caves and rivers together, fishing local ponds and rivers, playing games at the house and in the yard, hauling hay, or working together on a sports team.
Sometimes, those special memories revolved around service. For example, the family that needed help with cattle, the hunt for a stray dog, or even a good friend who died too early.
Time invested with people in those experiences adds up to friendships, some lasting for decades and others fading when not nurtured.
The same is true for relationships with neighbors. Positive relationships need attention and take time. Neighboring is more like a crockpot than a microwave. But do not take my word for it. There is a study that backs me up!
Friendship takes time
In 2018, a University of Kansas professor determined the time necessary to make a friend and the time it typically takes to move through the stages of friendship.
The professor found that it takes roughly 50 hours together for two people to move from mere acquaintances to casual friends. It takes 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status, and it takes more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend.
Time spent hanging out, attending events, eating, playing video games, and similar activities count toward friendships. Work hours count less.
“We have to put that time in. You can’t snap your fingers and make a friend. I’ve not seen anything since 2018 that would change that fact,” said Dr. Jeffrey Hall, professor of Communication Studies and Director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at KU.
“The amount of time and the type of activity shared with a partner is an investment toward long-term belonging,” said Hall. “And because it takes time, we are limited. Our brain can only handle about 150 friendships.”
A key lesson learned from this study is that friendships require actions and take time. Hall says it would be wise for us all to invest that time. He points to previous studies associating early friendships with happiness later in life.
“You can’t make people spend time with you, but you can invite them,” Hall said. “Make it a priority to spend time with potential friends. The proximity of a neighbor makes those invitations to spend time together easier sometimes.”
Maybe start with classic suggestions from Dale Carnegie
I often get asked where to start when getting to know neighbors. Some behaviors can help. I recently read the classic book (written 70 years ago) by Dale Carnegie, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
As I read over Carnegie’s list of techniques and replaced the words “friends” and “people” with neighbors, I felt it was a reasonable list of ideas for forming positive relationships.
- Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. When neighbors are criticized or humiliated, they seldom respond well and often become defensive and resent the critic.
- Become genuinely interested in your neighbors. You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them than in two years by making them interested in you.
- Smiles are free to give and have a fantastic ability to make others feel wonderful.
- A person’s name is a sweet sound. The average neighbor is more interested in their name than all others. By remembering their names, we can make neighbors feel valued.
- Be a good listener. Encourage neighbors to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener.
- Talk in terms of your neighbor’s interest. The road to a neighbor’s heart is to talk about the things they are interested in.
- Sincerely, make your neighbor feel important. If we allow them to talk about themselves, neighbors will talk to us for hours, and we will win all the friends we need.
- The only way to win an argument is to avoid it. Show respect for your neighbor’s opinions. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Begin in a friendly way. People will be more receptive if we begin our interactions with others in a pleasant way.
- Try honestly to see things from the neighbor’s point of view.
Make it a ‘Plus One’ day
When speaking to groups, I share a principle I call “Plus One Neighboring.” The idea is to make every day a plus one by having one positive interaction with a neighbor.
Consistent and regular effort over time leads to connection. Another study by Hall at KU supports this idea: conversing with a friend just once during the day to catch up can increase one’s happiness and lower one’s stress level by the end of the day.
According to Hall, the act of intentionally reaching out to a friend is what matters most. This study found that once is enough, but more is better. Face-to-face contact is superior to any mobile or social media.
“This means the more that you listened to your friends, the more that you showed care, the more that you took time to value others’ opinions, the better you felt at the end of the day,” he said.
What is exciting about this research is that it shows many good things come with just one daily good conversation with a friend or neighbor.
You should invest time in conversations with your friends and neighbors. If you resolve to have one positive contact per day with a neighbor, excellent benefits will follow.
