OPINION|
Forgiveness is a hot topic again. According to Google Books Ngram (which allows you to discover the use of a word in magazines and books in the United States over time), the word “forgiveness” peaked this past year, even beating the previous high from 1820.
Ironically, the use of the word “hate” is also at an all-time high and more than double that of the word “forgiveness.”
But why the renewed interest in forgiveness?
One explanation is the flippant use of the word and shallow forgiveness: we forgive loans, for example. Or perhaps it is because of the rise in hate. Another explanation is the renewed concern about mental health, and there is a direct correlation between the two.
Some high-profile examples of forgiveness have given rise to books and movies. I think of Cornelia Ten Boom, who forgave her Nazi captors, or Louis Zamperini, whose life was detailed in the book “Unbroken,” along with his journey to forgive his Japanese captors.
But ask local residents for examples of neighbors whom they have forgiven a slight of some type, and everyone goes silent. I asked online in various groups. I called some acquaintances and asked. No one had a local example.
Is that because forgiving a neighbor happens so rarely or because it happens so often that we don’t give it a second thought?
I fear it is the first option.
Forgiveness can be learned
Living in close proximity to neighbors can be a wonderful experience, fostering a deep sense of community and belonging. However, we also may encounter difficult neighbors who challenge our patience and the harmony of a neighborhood.
There is the neighbor who borrows a tool and brings it back broken. Or the neighbor with a barking dog that keeps you awake at night, and they have no remorse over it. There might even be a neighbor or two who cannot be bothered to wave or speak.
In those situations, forgiveness can be a powerful tool for fostering understanding, empathy, and peaceful coexistence.
Patricia Plumb, a counselor from Kansas City, believes the power of forgiveness can help restore relationships, neighborhoods, and communities. Plumb has degrees from the University of Missouri and does training for the International Forgiveness Institute.
“Forgiveness is a virtue, which means it can be learned and improved with practice,” said Plumb. “If a neighbor borrows your lawnmower and is late in bringing it back. Suppose a neighbor hits and damages your car that was parked on the road. Or if a neighbor spreads a story about you. Even though the severity of these examples is different, the same virtue of forgiveness is the right thing to do physically, spiritually, and socially.”
Seek first to understand
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness.
“One of the most important components of forgiveness is understanding,” said Plumb.
Problems with neighbors often begin because of rules or norms about homes, yards, or life. It can be challenging to forgive neighbors who do not follow the rules.
“Underneath the anger are generally softer feelings, like hurt or fear. We’re afraid somebody is encroaching on our boundaries of safety, for example. We’re upset and begin to feel like we don’t have control over our situation, and our safety is at stake,” said Plumb.
While we use the word forgiveness, when considered in the context of neighbors, it also refers to conflict prevention, resolution, and reconciliation.
“Every time there is a wound of some type, and that wound can fester the impact multiplies,” said Plumb. “The same thing happens with emotions. Sometimes we react not because of that one situation with us right now, but because of other situations that have built up.”
Understanding that about ourselves and others can lead us to be open to forgiveness, mercy, and reconciliation. But to get there, Plumb says we need to stop ourselves, pause, and listen to the other person.
Said another way: replace judgment with curiosity.
Do not speak in anger
“If you argue with a neighbor, you have to show respect and stay calm,” said Plumb. The other person’s defenses will come down if our own come down and we have a conversation.”
The other key is to not speak out in anger.
“If this person is angry with us, we speak to their hurt or their fear,” said Plumb. “Many times, people just want to be heard. We also need to recognize that there are some people in life who are very uncomfortable apologizing.”
I can be effective to say, “I could be wrong” or “tell me more” in the conversation. Those phrases make you vulnerable by suggesting we have inabilities.
If we implement these practices, Plumb says they can change our minds, hearts, and perspectives.
“Then guess what happens? Other people will often be much more open to hearing from you because of respect. Once we give respect to someone else, then they can respect us back,” said Plumb.
And once there is respect, or at least understanding, how we proceed from that point matters.
“You do not want to embarrass someone. You’re trying to, in essence, protect their tenderness, their softness, the core of their own self-image. In the end, it’s all about love. Love your neighbor as yourself,” said Plumb.
One way to view forgiveness is as a gift. You have to give it and not expect anything back.
Our culture often suggests that if you forgive, it’s a weakness. Or if you are forgiving, you are condoning or excusing the behavior. Neither one of those is correct.
Do you have room to forgive another person and seek reconciliation? It is the best way to move forward, especially with a neighbor.
Learn more
In a world that often emphasizes individualism and self-interest, loving your neighbor may seem outdated or countercultural. Genuinely caring for and showing kindness to those around us holds immense transformative power. Loving your neighbor and showing forgiveness goes against societal norms.
You can learn more online about the International Forgiveness Institute.
Register to attend Neighboring 101
Patricia Plumb was a recent guest on Neighboring 101, a monthly community development program conducted via Zoom by David Burton. There are over 700 registered participants in Neighboring 101 from 36 different states and all walks of life.
Registration for Neighboring 101 remains open and has a one-time fee of $25. Participants can attend sessions live to network and ask questions of guest speakers or watch the class video (including all 49 past class sessions) on their own time.
Learn more and register online for Neighboring 101.
